Zeal? No.

I’m learning 3D, step by step. But I feel like I’m stumbling. When you get a new project to complete it all seems so exciting. This model is going to be my greatest yet, you think. But then doubt sets in. I have this vision of how it’s going too look, but then you hit a snag and you have to sacrifice some neat design aspect.

Suddenly you realize it’s not going to be as great as you dreamed, unless you allocate some time to learn new skills, which you don’t have time for, if you are to complete the project in time. Now the project dies in your eyes, and you have to really exert yourself to even start the 3D software and start working each day.

It didn’t use to be like this. I didn’t even have to have projects assigned to me – I’d just start working, discover new things, get excited, and work some more. What I did that instant was the most important thing in the world, and nothing existed outside my work. It was all very Zen, quite inadvertently.

But now, sadly, I’m all grown up, and I realize there are other things that are more important. I can’t seem to let go and really focus. It’s like I know in advance it’s not going to be as good as I’ve envisioned it, so what’s the point? It makes me paralyzed, and then conscience adds to the burden, saying I’m just lazy. That really doesn’t help.

There seems to be two ways to go – either I lower my standards, become a hack, and just “finish” the project, or I somehow manage to find – not inspiration, because it’s so short-lived – but some goal or faith in myself that could lift my ambition to the high standard I so self-destructively set.

If I ever find that goal I’ll let you know.

It’s so frustrating because right now i’m in a position where it seems I can’t take my work anywhere regardless of how good the end result is. I don’t have the money to market my company, and even if I did I couldn’t take any but super-short projects due to my full-time studies, and even if I did THAT, I’d have to think twice about taking the job, because I do 3D in school and I don’t want to spend every waking hour in front of the PC doing 3D all the time.

y.m.

I used to be a real grind in school, but now I have no one to prove myself to. When I was a top Amiga demo programmer I was very competitive and wanted to “beat” all the other programmers and show off. Maybe I need an audience?

Anyway, this has been a bonafide rant/whine/search for guidance. If you’ve experienced the same and want to help me, please tell me how you made everything not feel like drudgery.

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About maximilion

I seek truths and try to make you see them. View all posts by maximilion

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